Throw me something, Mister!

Happy Mardi Gras from the Mistick Krewe de Grinch where the saying "Eat, drink, and be merry, because tomorrow we all die" applies to every day, not just the Fat Tuesday before Lent.
C'mon cheres, loosen up, have yourself some fun.
It's Mardi Gras!

Feliz Ano Del Puerco!

...er, I just got back from Mexico.
Happy Chinese New Year!

PIG!

Happy Groundhog Day from the Grinch Hog

The official Groundhog, Phil whatever his name is, did not see his shadow today. That means an early spring.
The Groundhog residing in the giant hole which could swallow up any child under the age of three in the front yard of the Grinch family, did not make an appearance. This is a snapsot of the Grinch Hog taken last summer.

Valentine's Backlash

For those of you who hate Valentine's Day (and there are a lot more of you than I thought), there is a card for you!
I was looking at Valentine's cards today at Target (I do shop at other stores, I promise) and they were organized by the usual categories: From Husband, To Daughter, Romantic, Humorous,etc. They even had Valentines For Pets and From Pets. But I had to laugh when I saw this category: "Anti-Valentine." There were several choices.
Those crazy retailers...they're gonna get you on way or the other.
I also liked the boxed sets of cards for co-workers based on Grey's Anatomy, The Office, and other popular shows which generate 95% of current office water cooler conversation. Much better than Spongebob or Dora the Explorer.

RIP Art Buchwald

Art Buchwald died today at the age of 81, almost a full year after he refused dialysis and was given a few weeks to live. He defied the odds and had a great year.

That made him even more likeable.

Here's Buchwald on his wit:
"People ask what I am really trying to do with humor," he wrote. "The answer is, 'I'm getting even.' ... For me, being funny is the best revenge."

He got it.

Sorry, Wrong Number

To the children of the agitated woman who left this message on my cell phone December 17:

"Well you are the damndest children I've ever seen in my life. I been out here all week. Ain't nobody called to see if I was dead, alive, somebody choked me to death, or somethin'.

I don't understand.

Y'all have a good day.
Bye."

... How was your holiday?

Holiday Inventory

As we enter a new year, many take time to review the year past. Let's just review the trauma of the past couple of weeks, shall we? Oh, and for those of you who take exception to the term "trauma" being used in conjunction with the holidays, you are in denial.

Here's what I did for the holidays:
1. Ate Too Much
2. Drank Too Much
3. Shopped Too Much
4. Traveled in the Car Too Much
5. Ate Too Much

Here's what I saw yesterday, December 22 at Target:

Seen at Target, December 22, 2006
Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

According to some news reports, Christmas day being on a Monday has thrown the populous into a flumoxy flux. No one seems to be able to get a handle on exactly which day it is that they need to meet all their holiday deadlines. Gift shopping, stocking shopping, last minute forgotten people who "are stopping by" shopping. Pet shopping, friend's pet shopping. Co-worker liquor run. Family liquor run. Grocery shopping for: 1. Out of town guests who eat breakfast. 2. Casserole ingredients. 3. Candy and cookie making supplies. 4. Xmas Eve dinner. 5. Ordering the meat be it a turkey, rib roast, pork loin or rack of lamb. 6. Out of thyme and must have it NOW run to the other, closer, grocery store which you vow to never, ever, shop at again each time you go. Well, you get it. The list goes on and on, and as each day of this holiday weekend passes, the stores get more and more crowded with the strangest people.
Target, has evidently decided to really throw the crowd into a mad dog frenzy, by announcing the need to purchase items for the NEXT holiday on the calendar, while masses are frantically looking for last minute PSP games, candles, sweaters and egg nog.

Hap Hap Happy Valentine's Day!

1st Place: Car Decorating

To the owner of the dark blue Honda minivan I passed this morning on West Hillwood: Please contact Grinch headquarters to claim your prize. That big red reindeer nose on the center of your grill and the pair of antlers mounted on the rooftop luggage rack made me laugh out loud!
You win!

Well Hung

Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

Forget the bow on top or bottom debate...just schlong a wreath on any tree limb for a truly unique holiday decoration. And while you're at it, why not add fruit on the bottom. Don't forget the pineapples!
Mele Kalikimata!

Holiday Grinch Attends Blogger Gathering

It was fun. It was good to meet people I know but don't know. I found out that three or four people there thought that the Holiday Grinch was CeeElCee, or as I prefer to call him at this time of year, Cee*NoEl*Cee (he sparked the idea with that damned button). Well, I need to thank him because I think many of his friends started reading this blog thinking it was his. Otherwise the Holiday Grinch might be as dead as Main Street USA in any small town after 10:00 PM.
I met lots of people and I hate to name them for fear of omitting and/or forgetting anyone (anyway, Sarcastro beat me to it).
I do feel like I have a new Sista, and I may want to broker Kathy T's book. Linda has a babe with great taste in women. Dr. Funkenswine is a really nice guy. I'd be happy to spend hours talking journalism and publishing with Brittney and Rex. I talked with our future mayor and John H. I also met a really nice couple who happen to be my neighbors. Ginger is saucy and Ivy IS Bad (in a good way). I also learned of the inspiration for the Harelip Frog. I avoided a conversation on Apocalypto, but ran smack into one on labia majora. I talked kindergarden with Lisa and acoustic neuromas with Nick. I drank a few beers. I wish Busy Mom and Newscoma were there.

Deck or Rate

There is a plethora of bad outdoor Christmas decorations seen during this time of year. Unfortunately, this exhibition of poor taste has become so ubiquitous, it's difficult for a hard-working Grinch to find one so singularly bad that it deserves attention. Please be assured that if one is spotted, it will be photographed and posted right here. Stay tuned, it will happen.

In the meantime, I will describe two of the most memorable displays ever seen by The Grinch. Sadly, they were not photographed.

(lights fade)

Picture a working class neighborhood near a large city. It could be anywhere USA, small houses, close to the street, each house has a tiny yard sectioned off by a chain link fence. It is the 1960's, a time before the explosion in modern-day outdoor lighting. Anything more than a small tree or bush covered in lights at a residence would be highly unusual.
This little house had a broad, slanted roof, and every year, without fail, written in cursive across that roof in multi-colored lights was the ultimate in tasteless holiday sentiment:

"Happy Birthday Jesus!"

***************************************

(now fast forward to the 90's)

Lighting has certainly come a long way, but never has a display come anywhere close to this one:

Picture a ranch brick house with a large sloping front lawn. By day, this is nothing but an ordinary house. At night, all is changed. One moment, the house and yard are dark, then suddenly both erupt in the most amazing cacophony of syncopated strobe lighting. It dances, it moves, it's trippy, it's like a scene from Close Encounters or some other spaceship landing. Even the grass is lit up! It's atomic! Holy Crap! It's unbelievable!
Then, without warning, it becomes dark again only to repeat every 30 minutes or so.
This house warranted multiple visits by the Grinch Family for several years. It's dark now, but we still drive by every Christmas, just to check.

Give Peas a Chance

Chrismas songs: we've heard and misheard them all.
What's your favorite?

Jingle Bells
" ...on a one horse open sleigh..."
or
"...on a one horse soap and sleigh..."

Hark the Herald Angels Sing
"Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled."
or
"Peace on earth and mercy mild, Goddamn sinners reconciled."

Away in a Manger
"The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes..."
or
"The cattle are blowing the baby away..."

We Wish You a Merry Christmas
"Now bring us some figgy pudding..."
or
"Now bring us some friggin' pudding..."

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
"You'll go down in history."
or
"You'll go down and hit the tree."

It's official!

Santa Has Arrived
Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

The Christmas season has begun. It is still recommended that you wait until the Thanksgiving meal has been digested before you begin decorating. Are you ready for some football or will you now join McSmiley and his clan booing the little dogs at the National Dog Show?
Regardless, enjoy this Thanksgiving day.
Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.

Look, here's the rule:

"The official start of the Christmas season shall begin when Santa Claus appears on his sleigh at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade."
and it goes on:
"This seasonal start shall be timed to the particular time zone of said observers of Santa."
Christmas decorations are not appropriate, nor should be displayed before this time. Holiday sweaters are seldom appropriate for anyone over the age of ten.

This Just In: Barney Out!

Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

Nooo, this is not about Barney being gay. He's just not scheduled to appear at this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. This shot was taken on Thanksgiving eve last year in New York at the "Balloon Inflation", a little known event held on the Upper West Side. All the balloons are inflated and tied down with netting. It goes on all day and people can walk around and view the sleeping celebs.

On the fourth Thursday in November, 84 million American families will gather together... And wonder why. *

Wouldn't you like to spend Thanksgiving with Holly Hunter, Robert Downey, Jr., Anne Bancroft, Geraldine Chaplin, and several others brought together by direction of Jodie Foster?

If you've never seen "Home for the Holidays," do it. You're in for a Grinchy Pleasure. If you have seen it before, perhaps it's time to make it a Grinchy Tradition.

This is family holiday dysfunction at its finest.

* The official tagline for "Home for the Holidays"

The Power of Blogging

Remember that amateur job on the prematurely illuminated tree ?
I drove past the house today and there was a crane in the yard, a second tree had been strung with lights, and stretched across the driveway was a banner advertising a company which professionally decorates home exteriors for the holidays.
Someone must have gotten the message.

Premature Illumination

First sighting of outdoor lights on a tree: Tuesday night, November 13. One week and two days prior to Thanksgiving. Spotted across the street from the house of the guy who really won the last presidential election and is married to a woman whose name rhymes with Flipper. Definitely an amateur job, which is unusual in those parts.

First Sighting of Christmas Wreath on a Vehicle

Please make note of the date: November 8, 2006. Please also note that this date is two weeks and one day before Thanksgiving.
Decorating one's car for Christmas seems to have become a new hobby. I assume after decorating the tree, the inside of the house, the mailbox, the outside of the house, the dog's house, and the children, people looked around and said to themselves: "Hmmmm, aside from getting a new holiday sweater, what else can I adorn to show my complete and utter devotion to Christmas?"
"The car!"
Only thing is, the vehicle spotted today was big. It was bigger than an SUV. It was as big as a truck. Actually, it was a truck. It was a garbage truck! Our trash removers are leading the pack in holiday decorating. And it was tastefully done. A simple green wreath with a red ribbon on a white garbage truck.