Saturday, December 23, 2006

Here's what I saw yesterday, December 22 at Target:

Seen at Target, December 22, 2006
Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

According to some news reports, Christmas day being on a Monday has thrown the populous into a flumoxy flux. No one seems to be able to get a handle on exactly which day it is that they need to meet all their holiday deadlines. Gift shopping, stocking shopping, last minute forgotten people who "are stopping by" shopping. Pet shopping, friend's pet shopping. Co-worker liquor run. Family liquor run. Grocery shopping for: 1. Out of town guests who eat breakfast. 2. Casserole ingredients. 3. Candy and cookie making supplies. 4. Xmas Eve dinner. 5. Ordering the meat be it a turkey, rib roast, pork loin or rack of lamb. 6. Out of thyme and must have it NOW run to the other, closer, grocery store which you vow to never, ever, shop at again each time you go. Well, you get it. The list goes on and on, and as each day of this holiday weekend passes, the stores get more and more crowded with the strangest people.
Target, has evidently decided to really throw the crowd into a mad dog frenzy, by announcing the need to purchase items for the NEXT holiday on the calendar, while masses are frantically looking for last minute PSP games, candles, sweaters and egg nog.

Hap Hap Happy Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

1st Place: Car Decorating

To the owner of the dark blue Honda minivan I passed this morning on West Hillwood: Please contact Grinch headquarters to claim your prize. That big red reindeer nose on the center of your grill and the pair of antlers mounted on the rooftop luggage rack made me laugh out loud!
You win!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Well Hung

Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

Forget the bow on top or bottom debate...just schlong a wreath on any tree limb for a truly unique holiday decoration. And while you're at it, why not add fruit on the bottom. Don't forget the pineapples!
Mele Kalikimata!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Holiday Grinch Attends Blogger Gathering

It was fun. It was good to meet people I know but don't know. I found out that three or four people there thought that the Holiday Grinch was CeeElCee, or as I prefer to call him at this time of year, Cee*NoEl*Cee (he sparked the idea with that damned button). Well, I need to thank him because I think many of his friends started reading this blog thinking it was his. Otherwise the Holiday Grinch might be as dead as Main Street USA in any small town after 10:00 PM.
I met lots of people and I hate to name them for fear of omitting and/or forgetting anyone (anyway, Sarcastro beat me to it).
I do feel like I have a new Sista, and I may want to broker Kathy T's book. Linda has a babe with great taste in women. Dr. Funkenswine is a really nice guy. I'd be happy to spend hours talking journalism and publishing with Brittney and Rex. I talked with our future mayor and John H. I also met a really nice couple who happen to be my neighbors. Ginger is saucy and Ivy IS Bad (in a good way). I also learned of the inspiration for the Harelip Frog. I avoided a conversation on Apocalypto, but ran smack into one on labia majora. I talked kindergarden with Lisa and acoustic neuromas with Nick. I drank a few beers. I wish Busy Mom and Newscoma were there.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Deck or Rate

There is a plethora of bad outdoor Christmas decorations seen during this time of year. Unfortunately, this exhibition of poor taste has become so ubiquitous, it's difficult for a hard-working Grinch to find one so singularly bad that it deserves attention. Please be assured that if one is spotted, it will be photographed and posted right here. Stay tuned, it will happen.

In the meantime, I will describe two of the most memorable displays ever seen by The Grinch. Sadly, they were not photographed.

(lights fade)

Picture a working class neighborhood near a large city. It could be anywhere USA, small houses, close to the street, each house has a tiny yard sectioned off by a chain link fence. It is the 1960's, a time before the explosion in modern-day outdoor lighting. Anything more than a small tree or bush covered in lights at a residence would be highly unusual.
This little house had a broad, slanted roof, and every year, without fail, written in cursive across that roof in multi-colored lights was the ultimate in tasteless holiday sentiment:

"Happy Birthday Jesus!"


(now fast forward to the 90's)

Lighting has certainly come a long way, but never has a display come anywhere close to this one:

Picture a ranch brick house with a large sloping front lawn. By day, this is nothing but an ordinary house. At night, all is changed. One moment, the house and yard are dark, then suddenly both erupt in the most amazing cacophony of syncopated strobe lighting. It dances, it moves, it's trippy, it's like a scene from Close Encounters or some other spaceship landing. Even the grass is lit up! It's atomic! Holy Crap! It's unbelievable!
Then, without warning, it becomes dark again only to repeat every 30 minutes or so.
This house warranted multiple visits by the Grinch Family for several years. It's dark now, but we still drive by every Christmas, just to check.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Give Peas a Chance

Chrismas songs: we've heard and misheard them all.
What's your favorite?

Jingle Bells
" ...on a one horse open sleigh..."
"...on a one horse soap and sleigh..."

Hark the Herald Angels Sing
"Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled."
"Peace on earth and mercy mild, Goddamn sinners reconciled."

Away in a Manger
"The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes..."
"The cattle are blowing the baby away..."

We Wish You a Merry Christmas
"Now bring us some figgy pudding..."
"Now bring us some friggin' pudding..."

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
"You'll go down in history."
"You'll go down and hit the tree."

Thursday, November 23, 2006

It's official!

Santa Has Arrived
Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

The Christmas season has begun. It is still recommended that you wait until the Thanksgiving meal has been digested before you begin decorating. Are you ready for some football or will you now join McSmiley and his clan booing the little dogs at the National Dog Show?
Regardless, enjoy this Thanksgiving day.
Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Look, here's the rule:

"The official start of the Christmas season shall begin when Santa Claus appears on his sleigh at the end of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade."
and it goes on:
"This seasonal start shall be timed to the particular time zone of said observers of Santa."
Christmas decorations are not appropriate, nor should be displayed before this time. Holiday sweaters are seldom appropriate for anyone over the age of ten.

This Just In: Barney Out!

Originally uploaded by Holiday Grinch.

Nooo, this is not about Barney being gay. He's just not scheduled to appear at this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. This shot was taken on Thanksgiving eve last year in New York at the "Balloon Inflation", a little known event held on the Upper West Side. All the balloons are inflated and tied down with netting. It goes on all day and people can walk around and view the sleeping celebs.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

On the fourth Thursday in November, 84 million American families will gather together... And wonder why. *

Wouldn't you like to spend Thanksgiving with Holly Hunter, Robert Downey, Jr., Anne Bancroft, Geraldine Chaplin, and several others brought together by direction of Jodie Foster?

If you've never seen "Home for the Holidays," do it. You're in for a Grinchy Pleasure. If you have seen it before, perhaps it's time to make it a Grinchy Tradition.

This is family holiday dysfunction at its finest.

* The official tagline for "Home for the Holidays"

Friday, November 17, 2006

The Power of Blogging

Remember that amateur job on the prematurely illuminated tree ?
I drove past the house today and there was a crane in the yard, a second tree had been strung with lights, and stretched across the driveway was a banner advertising a company which professionally decorates home exteriors for the holidays.
Someone must have gotten the message.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Premature Illumination

First sighting of outdoor lights on a tree: Tuesday night, November 13. One week and two days prior to Thanksgiving. Spotted across the street from the house of the guy who really won the last presidential election and is married to a woman whose name rhymes with Flipper. Definitely an amateur job, which is unusual in those parts.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

First Sighting of Christmas Wreath on a Vehicle

Please make note of the date: November 8, 2006. Please also note that this date is two weeks and one day before Thanksgiving.
Decorating one's car for Christmas seems to have become a new hobby. I assume after decorating the tree, the inside of the house, the mailbox, the outside of the house, the dog's house, and the children, people looked around and said to themselves: "Hmmmm, aside from getting a new holiday sweater, what else can I adorn to show my complete and utter devotion to Christmas?"
"The car!"
Only thing is, the vehicle spotted today was big. It was bigger than an SUV. It was as big as a truck. Actually, it was a truck. It was a garbage truck! Our trash removers are leading the pack in holiday decorating. And it was tastefully done. A simple green wreath with a red ribbon on a white garbage truck.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

What's Your Ideal Thanksgiving?

STUFFING: Cornbread or Oyster?
TURKEY: Fresh or Frozen?
POTATOES: Sweet or Mashed?
BREAD: Biscuits or Rolls?
BEVERAGE: Sweet Tea or Champagne?
CASSEROLE: Green Bean or Squash?
PIE: Pumpkin or Pecan?
AT TABLE: Friends or Family?
TABLETOP: Good China or Chinet?
ON TV: Macy's Parade or Football?
DINNERTIME: Noon or Later?
JELLO SALAD: Tradition or Unforgiveable?
PRAYER: Blessing or Curse?
ATTIRE: Casual or Dressy?
AFTER DINNER: Pants Undone or Out for a Walk?
LEFTOVERS: Keep or Share?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Merry Christmas!

The stores are picked clean, there is nothing left for Halloween. The Christmas season has begun and stores are fully stocked and decorated. There is a vote in the senate to ratify an ammendment to officially skip Thanksgiving. That way, retailers will have one more full day of sales before December 25.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Last Minute Costume Ideas For Grown Ups

It's 5:45 pm on the Friday before Halloween. Do you need to come up with an adult (not XXX, you dirty) costume for a party?
If so, you're in luck. I have a couple of ideas.

You can go as:

1. George W.,
Just get a bucket of sand and stick your head in it for the entire party.

2. Laura Bush and/or Katie Holmes,
(or as in "Brangelina," call yourself "Bush-ho" or " KatBush," you get the idea).
Put on a classy outfit and overmedicate. Smile!

3. Madonna and Child not the CHRISTMAS one silly, the one with the new African baby!

4. LiLo (aka Lindsay Lohan).
Get a wax. Go commando. In a dress.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Full Moon in the Mountains

There was a full moon in the mountains of North Carolina this past weekend and I predict it will remain in place until about November 1st.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I'll be right back

There will be a lapse in postings for the next few days because this little Grinch is going on...Holiday!
I know, I know, it's a little early in the blogging process to be taking a break already, jeez you just can't find good help anymore.
Oh well, la dee da...I'm outta here! Please make yourself at home and drop me a line. I'll be back with a vengance, and that's a promise!

Halloween on Madison Avenue

How do you like them pumpkins?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Holiday mood: Grumpy

...Only because I'm new to this and have wasted many, many hours trying to post a photo on this blog. Set up a Flickr account and everything, but Blogger is being uncooperative. Any advice?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Looks like bagworms or toilet paper

What's up with that fake cobwebby stuff on the bushes anyway?

Friday, October 13, 2006

It's Friday the 13th

What better day to start this HOLIDAY blog, than on Friday the 13th of auspicious kickoff to the next upcoming holiday...HALLOWEEN. Spooky, I know.
Actually Halloween is not really a grinchy holiday. it's fairly stress-free. Well, not quite stress-free to parents with small, unreasonable children. You know, those who have purchased THE cutest and most expensive costume on the planet only to have their child loudly, passionately and tearfully declare they will NOT be caught dead wearing THAT. Or perhaps not quite stress-free for adults who have waited too long to think of anything clever to wear to a costume party (it sounded like a good idea at the time) and end up in a freaking sweat at 8:00 pm on October 30 at Ricky's, or Target...or even worse, WalMart.
Face it, even the most benign holidays can make us come unglued...and that's what this blog is all about. Well, that and any other holiday observations that come to mind. I hope you'll come back!